not the end

not what i envisioned. not a triumphant arrival at antelope wells and not the celebratory, ticker tape return to minnesota.

i was so close.

the sudden twist from vision and drive to grief and disbelief has been digested. i pedaled nearly 2,300 miles and climbed over 153,000 feet along the spine of north america.

i rode with and met incredible people along the way. the first adrenaline-charged days morphed into a daily mojo of pedaling until our bodies told us the stop pedaling and it was time to prepare the ramen.

the canadian rockies bookended a green, water-rich trail that tested our early fitness, but also spoiled because it was the verdant landscape where water wasn’t an issue.

montana started hot and hilly and ended the same. grizzlies awaited their opportunities in a soft corner of your consciousness, 24-hours a day.

wyoming contains the great basin and where one existed in the center of an unchanging landscape that lasted for days.

colorado is beautiful and smells like potent weed.

everywhere.

new mexico has a litter problem.

my rear wheel somehow developed 12 cracks without anyone knowing. the mechanic in salida gave my system a clean willy of health. my issue now is with the wheel builder. if only they’d answer their phone.

trail angels changed my trip and perhaps, my life.

i am okay, proud of my effort, proud of challenging my knees in a way that validated my decision to go through two knee replacements when quality of mobility, of life, were in jeopardy.

right now, i am toying with the idea of a return to grants next spring and a final 6-day push to the border. i made it that far.

a friend suggested that maybe the occurrences of my last few days on the trail were a reminder of how lucky i have been. 2300 miles with one broken spoke and no rattlesnake bites.

i don’t believe i tempted fate. i believe i assimilated all the cues i received, be they physical, emotional, environmental, and otherwise and made sound, self-interest decisions.

that process also led to my decision to abandon. to wait a week or more for a new wheel may have been tenable early in the journey, but towards the end, all one wants to do is finish and unwind from the maximum physical effort you have invested in life.

that was there at the end. i was on a schedule to finish at the border on the 27th. that would have meant a final week of over 400 miles, but i was ready for that.

when the trip’s switch was turned off, i was devastated. i had challenged myself and was about to succeed. i deviated from the divide only twice in the 2300 miles, once to avoid 15 miles of head winds and once to avoid a nasty section of chunk, after my threshold of chunk had been exceeded on the two previous days.

i am okay.

i accept i didn’t finish but also can never have my effort removed. i will take it to my urn.

thanks to scott, allen, susan, sam and others who shared the pavement, sand, mud, doll head cobble, and chunk with me.

and…a final trail angel. ann marie, sister of dirt candy’s mica, gave me a ride from grants to albuquerque on short notice. she drove with a purpose, most likely to get me and my worn, unwashed outfit out of her car. thank you ann.

i am home now. soon, the migration will begin and my favorite northern minnesota season will send out it’s not-so-subtle hints that winter is coming. accipiters will tail-chase bluejays in my yard; a noisy and fleeting pursuit that occasionally will leave piles of blue jay plumage as signs of a predator/prey success. sometime, in late september or early october, i will band my 8,000th saw-whet, all in my back yard.

lotta owls, lotta miles, lotta elevation, lotta angels, lotta life.